


touch my soul

by starlighteyed



Series: kpop idols in love [3]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - GOT7 is GOT6, Angst, Angst with no happy ending, Bipolar Disorder, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Marriage, Mental Health Issues, Poet!Yugyeom, Rich!Bambam, Suicide, brief mentions of jinyoung + youngjae + jaebum + mark, it might be triggering please read with care!!!, jackson and mark are married later on, sorry yall i actually hate myself but i somehow did this idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 13:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14214147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlighteyed/pseuds/starlighteyed
Summary: they just wanted to love and be loved.





	touch my soul

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE!!! PLEASE read this with care as it gets very triggering later on. i love you. please take care. <3 see you at the end.

_ just another day on the trees of this forest.  _

_ a lot of people come here for god knows what kinds of things.  _

_ maybe to commit suicide.  _

_ maybe to be surrounded by nature. _

_ all lives are different.  _

_ all lives make a difference.  _

_ whether that’s good or bad, _

_ happy or sad, _

_ they do.  _

_ everyone contributes to the earth somehow. _

_ but it’s time to go now.  _

 

yugyeom put his initials under the lines and closed the notebook that hid all of his poems and writings. he looked around him, letting his legs dangle down from the tree branch he was sitting on. the chirping of the birds surrounded him, like the smell of wet tree trunks and leaves. it was a refreshing smell that yugyeom loved and cherished and wished he could take home with him. but it’s okay. he’ll be okay with the lavender scent that fills his room via the automatic air freshener.

 

he hopped off of the tree and started making his way home. 

 

when he got home, his mum was waiting for him with dinner. yugyeom and his family ate the dinner, discussing their week as it was sunday. 

 

that meant that yugyeom had lectures on monday. and yugyeom was due to go back to his dorm in an hour. his dorm room was only an hour away from home so even if he left at 7 pm, it wasn’t that late. 

 

he liked university, he thought it was pretty calm. he loved what he was doing so going to lectures wasn’t such a problem. 

 

however, in his classes, he was always a bit starstruck and quiet. who wouldn’t be, if one of the most famous ceo’s son was sitting meters away from you? everyone had a crush on him. everyone fell in love with him after he first introduced himself at the start of last year, when they started university. yugyeom knew some people only cared about the fact that he was filthy rich. and probably none of them saw what yugyeom saw. he was good with people because just by a few movements and small details of facial expressions, he knew what kind of person someone was. knowing people was one of his strengths. though he wouldn’t say bambam was the best person. he seemed nice, but maybe too nice to be true. yugyeom thought that he was faking it and that he would never be friends with someone like yugyeom. he was just a closeted poet who didn’t know what the heck he wanted to be, profession wise. he was just a confused 19 year old.

 

days went by and the same things happened. he went to his lectures, he got nervous around bambam, he went to his other lectures, he went back to his dorm, ate and nested himself on his bed, trying to keep his mind off of the popular playboy. then he’d go to the forest or just walk around the neighbourhood for a while, taking his pen and notebook with him in case he felt like writing. 

 

but a few weeks later, he decided to stay outside until it got dark. this neighbourhood was pretty safe, he knew that for a fact. 

 

he could see the endless sea of stars on the sky and he had never felt more alone. that day was different. his whole body ached when he saw bambam that day, as he was surrounded by girls trying to make him fall in love with them. he had been feeling down that day. maybe it was the full moon. maybe it was that he got up on the wrong side of the bed. maybe it was the hole inside his heart that bambam ripped out and took with him the first time they saw each other. maybe it was that yugyeom’s been happy for too long. maybe fate now hated yugyeom and put him on a path of self-hatred. maybe he has been alone for too long. 

 

he felt alone and all he wanted was just someone. to love him. he was desperate. it was a new feeling to him.

 

and there it was, as if it was ordered by yugyeom to happen. a shooting star. yugyeom’s heart started beating faster.

 

_ i just want to be loved and kissed. i just want a lover. someone who’ll hold me. _

 

he never said it out loud, but as he was gazing up at the sky, he thought about it. 

 

the next day, as it was a saturday, yugyeom went home to his parents and younger sister and joined his family going to see the grandparents. yugyeom hasn’t seen them in a while. he missed them a lot. they always gave him great advice in the means of struggles if he had any. it was rare, but they were always ready to help. haeju, yugyeom’s little sister had her struggles at 16 and she always turned to their grandparents. so he knew they were always there for yugyeom and haeju. 

 

“granny, i feel so alone.” yugyeom had said with a sad tone when it was just the two of them, sitting on a swing bed. 

 

“why is that, my dear?” she said, taking his hand in hers.

 

“i just want someone to hold me. i just don’t want to be lonely.” yugyeom had said, trying to hold back the tears. 

 

“you’re not lonely, dear. soon someone will come into your life and take this role. just wait with patience. fate is preparing someone deserving of you for you. even if you don’t think it is.” she said, smiling sadly at him. he just embraced her in his arms as a thank you. he wished she was immortal.

 

as the next monday came by, things weren’t much different. not until someone decided to walk up next to yugyeom as he was putting his things away after a lecture. he didn’t care at first but when he was putting his backpack on his back, he looked up and saw.

 

bambam was smiling at him with the sweetest smile yugyeom swore humanity has ever known.

 

he was confused at first. was bambam really looking at him? he was. he was looking into his eyes.

 

“hi. how can i help you?” yugyeom spoke up, hoping his voice didn’t sound too shaky.

 

“i don’t know. do you want to hang out? i’ll buy you lunch or a hot drink… whatever you want.” bambam said, sighing.

 

“are you trying to bribe me into going with you?” yugyeom squinted his eyes suspiciously and unimpressed, ready to be disappointed by the fact that bambam was probably like one of those rich kids who always got what they wanted. 

 

“no, oh my gosh! sorry i made you think that. i just want to hang out. you seem like the only cool person in this place.” 

 

so yugyeom had to agree. who wouldn’t agree to hang out with bambam?

 

so bambam made yugyeom sit in his expensive car, and brought him to a sushi bar. yugyeom has never eaten sushi in his life, so it was a great opportunity for him to try it. bambam ordered him something he thought yugyeom would like and when they started eating, bambam was cautiously staring at yugyeom, thinking he was smooth. but the younger one noticed it.

 

“is there something on my face?” yugyeom asked. in all honesty, bambam made him nervous. it was as if he was a judge on a talent show, so prestigious and on a much higher social rank than yugyeom. but yugyeom knew he was like every other person. he had his flaws and weaknesses too. he wasn’t some kind of deity. he was just… bambam. 

 

“well, apart from the most beautiful facial features the world has ever seen… also, i’m just curious about how you like sushi.” bambam asked, his chin on one of his hands, with a confident smile. yugyeom blushed.

 

“you’re so cheesy.” yugyeom said quietly, looking back down on his food with a smile. 

 

the rest of their ‘date’ (which probably wasn’t a date in bambam’s eyes, just a friendly outing, but yugyeom would’ve insisted it was a date because he kept flirting, which may have been how he was with others, but anyway...) went uneventfully, apart from them talking about university stuff. when they were done, yugyeom wanted to pay his part of the meal, but bambam insisted on paying for it. so yugyeom just said a shy thank you.

 

a few weeks have passed without them having any kind of contact. yugyeom had thought bambam didn’t want to hang out with him anymore. he was a little bit broken. he knew he shouldn’t have gotten his hopes up. 

 

and when bambam stopped coming to lectures, he was confused and heartbroken. bambam must’ve thought it was too awkward to even come in for lectures, and he was one of the richest ceos’ son, uni or not, he would still get a job if he wanted to. he would be fine even if he didn’t work for the rest of his life. his family was filthy rich.

 

yugyeom had enough one day and decided to ask one of his classmates. they probably all knew what was going on since they were practically his fans who admired and followed his every move like he was god or something. yugyeom wished he would’ve asked bambam himself, if the older had given his damn number to yugyeom, but he couldn’t do anything about it.

 

“hey, is bambam okay?” he asked jisoo, the girl who seemed to be the closest to him, always sticking around him like some kind of fly.

 

“yeah…? he’s been enlisted as an idol trainee so he quit uni. he’s training every day. didn’t you hear?” she asked with surprised eyes.

 

“no. but thanks.” yugyeom was never going to see bambam again. but why was he heartbroken? bambam was never going to date yugyeom. they hung out once but that didn’t mean anything. he didn’t owe the younger anything.

 

###  **☆**

**♡♡♡♡**

###  **☆**

**** summer 2023 ****

 

 

 

yugyeom decided to go on a holiday, all alone, to hawaii. he’s never been to hawaii, so he decided to go there. he started working at a local magazine after getting his degree in english literature and language. he had a good salary, so he was able to save up. plus, he had time to work on his first book. 

 

the airline he was flying with was just a low fare airline anyway, so it wasn’t that hard to afford it.

 

he has just arrived at the airport when he saw a big crowd standing around something, or maybe someone. he didn’t care much for it, so he just let it go. maybe it was someone famous. but yugyeom wasn’t interested in celebrities. they were like godly creatures, always appearing perfect. it made yugyeom feel like shit, seeing celebrities, because he knew he could never be as great as them. so he completely ignored them. 

 

he gave his luggage to the airline’s workers, then he proceeded through the customs where they checked his bag. there were no problems, everything went smooth. afterwards, he sat down to wait for the announcement about which gate he had to go to in order to board the plane. 

 

his outfit for the day was a plain pink t-shirt that had a human heart drawn on the left side, with an arrow pointing at the middle. at the end of the arrow, it said ‘boys’. his jeans were ripped at the knees. his black hair was curly and a bit messy. 

 

his t-shirt looked pretty simple but its meaning was not so simple. it said a lot about yugyeom. and he got a few looks for it. he didn’t care that much though. it’s who he was and he wasn’t going to dress differently just because other people thought it was a ‘sin’, or that he was disgusting. that was their opinion.

 

“what a faggot.” he heard someone say, and people around him were looking in yugyeom’s direction with judging stares. they seemed to be agreeing with the bully. “you know you’re going to hell for this!” the guy said, scoffing.

 

“him? more like… people such as you. bullies like you go to hell. someone who’s brave enough to admit who he is in such a judgemental country is a 100% less likely to go to hell.” he heard someone say with a sarcastic tone. the voice was so familiar. he looked around but no one seemed to be saying anything. “so shut the hell up and educate yourself.” and so it was quiet.

 

yugyeom thanked this person mentally because he wouldn’t have been able to stand up for himself. he wasn’t that strong. not yet. 

  
  


***

 

after yugyeom finally settled down in his hotel room and slept for a little bit because it was needed after such a long flight, he went out the next day, to look around and to get to know his surroundings a little bit better. he could tell it was going to be a great holiday. 

 

only a few days have passed when something unexpected happened. 

 

at 6 pm, he heard a knock on his door. earlier on, he had gone to the pacific aviation museum and he was tired by the time he got back, which was 5 pm. the knock was very unexpected, because, well, he was alone on his holiday. 

 

however, when he opened the door, a man with blue eyes and red hair was standing there, wearing a mask that covered everything that was below his eyes. however, he took the mask off as soon as he saw yugyeom. he was gorgeous with that big smile on his face.

 

“how can i help you?” yugyeom asked in english. he had a confused expression on his face. 

 

“yugyeom, don’t you remember me?” the guy asked in korean.

 

“n-no.” yugyeom shook his head.

 

“it’s me, bambam?” he said. so that’s why his face looked so similar.

 

“bambam…? how- what- why- how?” yugyeom didn’t know what question to ask. he was so confused. 

 

“just let me inside, fans could catch me any minute.” bambam said and yugyeom got out the way, closing the door after the older walked inside his hotel room. “okay, let me explain everything.” he said.

 

“go on, because i’m so fucking confused.” yugyeom said and sat down on his hotel bed, next to bambam.

 

“right. so, let me start from when i left uni…” bambam started.

 

he told yugyeom about how he enrolled to an idol trainee company the year they went to the sushi bar and hung out. bambam also told yugyeom he was running from something, even though he never mentioned from what. yugyeom didn’t want to ask, it was probably something sensitive. and then for a year, he trained to become an idol. he was put in a group with 5 other guys, forming got6. the fanbase that has formed around them was pretty big and they got recognised literally everywhere they went. it was kind of scary for yugyeom to imagine. bambam also told him that at the airport, he was the one who stood up for him, but he was wearing a mask and a hat so he wasn’t recognisable that much. they took a different plane but as yugyeom was holding his plane ticket when he was sitting down, bambam noticed he was going to honolulu, hawaii. and just the day before bambam decided to see yugyeom, he saw him in the lobby of the hotel, so he followed him and saw where his room was. just so he could talk to him but he saw how tired yugyeom was so he simply left him alone. which was a little bit weird, but bambam was desperate to talk to yugyeom and apologise to him for leaving the university without telling yugyeom after going on that… date or whatever bambam wanted to call it.

 

“i’m so sorry, yugyeom. you know, after we had lunch together, i shouldn’t have just left without a word. i must’ve confused you.” bambam said. he looked like he was about to cry.

 

“it’s okay, i don’t even know why you’re apologising. i wasn’t and am not your friend, i’m just a guy you know from english lectures. why did you come here to apologise? i mean, you have nothing to do so for. it’s your life and it’s not like i was so significant in your life, like ever.” yugyeom said, stating what he thought was true. he stood up while he was speaking, so he didn’t have to turn his head to look at bambam. 

 

“yeah, but the thing is-” bambam stood up. “the thing i was running from, is the reason i’m apologising. because i was a coward to admit it, i’ve been brought up in an environment where it was wrong, but i realised that this is who i am. it’s part of me.”

 

“what are you talking about?” yugyeom was so confused. he turned around, his back now facing a ceiling-to-floor window.

 

“i’m gay.” bambam said. yugyeom’s eyes dilated in shock.

 

“wow, um… that’s great. i guess you figured out i am too.” yugyeom smiled a little bit but he was still really confused. 

 

“and i know we could’ve had something if it wasn’t for me.” bambam continued.

 

“you don’t owe me an explanation.” yugyeom said but noticed how bambam’s body was getting closer to his. his heart was going crazy. he still felt something for bambam. something really strong.

 

“i’m sorry for running away… i’ve searched for  _ the one _ , but it was you all along, yugyeom. i’m in love with you.” and the whole atmosphere was frozen. like time slowed down. everything seemed unreal.

 

bambam went closer to yugyeom. he was looking into his eyes so deeply as he put both his hands on yugyeom’s cheeks. he didn’t move from there, though. yugyeom was waiting, but nothing happened. he just stared into his eyes with so much adoration yugyeom could’ve made a whole continent of it. 

 

“are you going to kiss me?” yugyeom asked and that was all bambam needed to lean in and connect their lips. the kiss was so soft. so beautiful. 

 

hundreds of butterflies woke at the pit of yugyeom’s stomach. even though he was 25, soon turning 26, he still felt like he was that 19 year old guy in uni who fell for everyone’s favourite, the rich ceo’s son. to yugyeom though, he was much more than that. he was kind, caring, smart, humble and hard-working. he did everything on his own, yugyeom knew that. he didn’t need his father to get him into university by bribing the school, he probably didn’t need his father to get him enlisted in the idol agency. he didn’t like to use his father’s fame and money, he wanted a name for himself. yugyeom knew this. that’s how he fell for him. and as their tongues swirled around each other, everything else faded away and it was just the two of them. 

 

it felt like they were all alone in the universe, when their bodies became one, and nothing else could be heard, just the sound of pleasure and love. 

 

***

 

yugyeom woke up alone. he expected bambam to be there after they had sex, and after they had a deep conversation afterwards. but he left without a trace. his heart was aching. his whole body was aching. he was scared bambam was going to disappear on him again. 

 

he then remembered bambam told him which room he was in. so yugyeom got dressed as quickly as he could, then searched for the room. when he found it, he knocked on it once. twice. then it opened. but it wasn’t bambam.

 

“hello, how can i help?” a cleaning lady was looking at him like he was some kind of lunatic.

 

“i came to see someone who is staying in this room?” yugyeom’s stomach was shaking. he was so fucking scared.

 

“sorry, sir, he left earlier this morning.” the lady said and yugyeom quietly apologised for bothering her and went back to his room.

 

he burst out crying as soon as the door was closed. 

 

bambam left again, without no trace, after yugyeom had given him his whole soul. but it was all for nothing. 

 

###  **☆**

**♡♡♡♡**

###  **☆**

**** autumn 2025 ****

 

 

 

yugyeom had moved on. he liked to tell himself that. but it wasn’t true. deep down, he was still waiting for someone to knock on the door of his apartment. no one ever did, though. apart from the postman. he was a lonely journalist, who was a writer in his free time. he also really didn’t like socialising. he just lost hope in ever making good friends. 

 

but one day in late november, he got a message on twitter. he barely used twitter though.

 

_ hi, this is jackson from got6, the group bambam is in. i know he hasn’t contacted you in ages but because he talks a lot about you, i decided to find you. you’re probably confused about why he had disappeared on you twice and never contacted you afterwards. well, there’s a logical explanation for it. please message me back. we should video call sometime because there’s something very important about him i need to tell you. thank you. regards, jackson wang _

 

yugyeom messaged him back, even though he was very confused. he had looked up this jackson guy. he decided to trust him since that was 100% jackson messaging him from his official twitter account.

 

soon after, they called each other on skype in a form of a video chat. they said hello to each other, introduced themselves and everything, when jackson got into telling yugyeom why he contacted him. 

 

“okay, so what i am about to tell you, is very important. i hope i can explain in a way that you understand…” jackson sighed. “the reason bambam has been disappearing on you is because he’s bipolar. he has periods of depression, when he can’t even get out of bed, when you can’t even communicate with him because he’s lost in his head. then he has periods of elevated mood when he’s really hyper. one time, he ran out onto the streets naked in the middle of the night to get sushi. another time, he had a literal foursome because he felt so turned on… uh, anyway. he was diagnosed a few months ago and i thought you should know because this is the reason he always ran away. he had depressive episodes. he’s taking tablets now, to control it, he’s fine right now and he keeps telling me how he loves you, so i just thought why not contact you. and maybe you could come and see him someday after our dance lessons? to fix it up and make each other happy.” jackson asked.

 

yugyeom was shocked. he never thought that bambam’s reason for disappearing on him was because of his mental health. it all made sense. he was happy because that meant that he did mean something to bambam, he just had a mental disorder. yugyeom could care for him. he would love to. it wouldn’t be easy, he would never underestimate it, but bambam was still bambam, the man he has been in love with for years. 

 

“yeah, sure. thank you for telling me, it means a lot. um, just give me the address and time, i’ll get there somehow.” yugyeom said but jackson shook his head while smiling a little.

 

“you deserve to know. he told me all about how you two were in love. and don’t worry about it, i’ll send a taxi to you at 5 pm this thursday, okay? are you free? send me your address sometime.” jackson asked. 

 

“yeah, i’m free. and thank you.” yugyeom said again. 

 

***

 

it was 5 pm on the thursday and yugyeom was already sitting in the taxi, on his way to the dance studio. it took about half an hour to get there but they were finishing at 5:30 pm. it was going to be a surprise for bambam. 

 

when he got to the dance studio, jackson was waiting for him outside in a mask and a hat. he paid the taxi driver and invited yugyeom to follow him. 

 

“i’ll just go in, tell them that someone came to visit us, i’ll look out the door, where you’ll be standing, and then you come in. okay?” jackson said. he had a whole plan, didn’t he? yugyeom nodded. “everyone knows that you’re the visitor, except bambam.”

 

when the time came, when yugyeom had to step in the dance studio, he was getting nervous. he was going to see bambam again. 

 

“i miss him so much, you know. i hate that i’m bipolar. it wrecked everything i had with him.” yugyeom faintly heard the sniffs and words of bambam. his heart painfully clenched. 

 

“bam, listen, it’s okay. it’s not your fault. it’s not anyone’s fault. and you can’t keep letting it pull your focus from your career.” he heard another voice, who belonged to someone else. it wasn’t jackson. 

 

“anyway, someone came to see us today. he’s right outside, can i let him in? just pull yourself together a tiny bit.” jackson’s voice could be heard and he heard one more sniff. then everyone said yes in unison. that’s when jackson opened the door and invited yugyeom in. 

 

when he stepped inside, bambam was looking down. 

 

“hi everyone.” yugyeom spoke up, bowing to all of them. that’s when bambam looked up in shock.

 

he was beautiful. he had platinum blonde hair. his eyes were red and shiny from crying, and his lips looked full and glossy. they looked so kissable. 

 

soon his lips were covered by his hands. he started crying again. he stood up, dropped the jumper that was in his hands and ran up to yugyeom, embracing him in a tight hug. 

 

“baby, i missed you so much.” bambam’s muffled voice could be heard as he was crying into yugyeom’s shoulders. he was shaking in yugyeom’s arms. yugyeom kissed his head and drew circles on his back as a way of trying to calm him down. but to be fair, he was crying too. he didn’t need to be tended to though. he could deal with all the tears as long as he could calm bambam down.

 

yugyeom took bambam’s face into his hands. he was red all over, but he was beautiful. 

 

“i’m never letting you go again. it was never your fault anyway. i still love you. we can be together now, okay? we’ll find a way to be together. i’m never letting go of you again.” yugyeom said, his own tears sliding down his face. “i’m yours, you’re mine, okay?” yugyeom said, looking deeply into those beautiful brown eyes. bambam just nodded and started crying more.

 

“i love you.” bambam said. 

 

“i love you too.” yugyeom leaned in and kissed him softly. bambam kissed back.

 

then bambam looked at jackson.

 

“did you arrange this, hyung?” he was sniffing but he wasn’t sobbing anymore.

 

“yeah.” jackson smiled. bambam invited him into the hug, and then everyone joined. yugyeom felt so loved even though he didn’t know them yet. 

 

###  **☆**

**♡♡♡♡**

###  **☆**

**** spring 2027 ****

 

 

 

“i’d like to say a toast.” bambam stood up from the table. yugyeom was sitting next to him and he was surprised as to what bambam was going to say. 

 

it was their wedding day. bambam and yugyeom finally got married at 30. the ceremony was done, and the moment bambam wanted to say a toast, they were sitting at the table, ready to eat at the reception of the wedding. however, bambam wanted to speak first.

 

“thank you all for coming, first of all. it means a lot to the both of us.” bambam said, then turned to both their parents. “mum, dad. mr and mrs kim. thank you for being so accepting. in the society we live in, it’s hard to process and accept when your son comes home with his fiance after months without contact. thank you, for being supporting, loving and accepting. you are the best. i love you all so much.” bambam sighed, getting a few awws from the parents, then turned to look at jackson. “jackson… thank you. if it wasn’t for you, i wouldn’t be standing here, saying this toast. you’re my best friend. my brother from a different mother. i love you.” bambam said, wiping his eyes. jackson looked flattered with his hand on his heart. he formed a heart with his hands. “jinyoung, jaebum, youngjae, mark… you’re all like my brothers too. thank you for always being there for me, even after my diagnosis. thank you for always helping me and not kicking me out of the band or complaining, not once. i know it was hard on all of us. but thank you for all your patience. i’m so glad we’re in a group together. i wouldn’t change anything about this group. i hope we last forever.” he looked at the 4 of them and they smiled at bambam. “and last, but not least…” bambam turned to face yugyeom. his eyes were full of love. and tears. “yugyeom, you’re the love of my life. from the minute i saw you in the english lecture in our first year of uni, i knew this. you were just… so different. you brightened up the whole room and you didn’t even seem to know it. and when we got lunch together, i knew you were  _ it  _ for me. you’re just kind, caring, accepting. you’re smart, beautiful and everything i’ve ever wanted.” yugyeom was crying silently. his tears didn’t want to stop falling. he heard a few sniffs and people blowing their noses in the background faintly. “you need to know, i’ve never been so nervous in my life. but when i got on my knees at that restaurant us and the guys went to, i knew that was going to be the best decision of my life. you’ve accepted me with my flaws. you loved me even after i thought you’d never do again. thank you, yugyeom. i love you with every fiber of my being. i’ll always be by your side, until the day of my death.” bambam said, wiping his tears. “thank you.” he said to everyone and sat down. everyone clapped as they stood up. bambam just kissed yugyeom and yugyeom kissed back.

 

it was a teary kiss, but it was happy. they were in love and as long as they were together, nothing could separate them.

###  **☆**

**♡♡♡♡**

###  **☆**

**** winter 2030 ****

 

 

 

_ it’s an hour past midnight,  _

_ my brain just wants me to write. _

_ i turn my head to observe you, _

_ even if it’s dark. _

_ when i first looked at you, _

_ i knew you were special. _

_ i was the devil _

_ and you were an angel. _

_ i never deserved you,  _

_ but you still chose me. _

_ i don’t know what to say. _

_ i don’t know how to feel. _

_ but i feel time standing still. _

_ i’m ready to jump. _

_ i know i’ll never _

_ get rid of this illness, _

_ so i might as well finish this business. _

_ goodbye, yug,  _

_ i will always love you. _

_ hopefully in my next life, _

_ i won’t be a lunatic and _

_ i’ll see you.  _

_ because if one thing’s sure, _

_ is that i’ll always love you. _

 

yugyeom was woken up by someone ringing their doorbell. yugyeom looked at the time. it was 4 am in the morning. who could it be?

 

when he opened the door with barely opened eyes and in a nightgown, it was the police.

 

“sir, are you kim yugyeom?” the police officer asked and yugyeom nodded. “i’m so sorry, sir… but your husband committed suicide.” 

 

and the whole world went black. yugyeom felt as if all the emotions were sucked out of him and instead, sadness was pumped into him. he fell on the floor and sobbed until the police officer asked him if he wanted to see bambam before they took him to a morgue. he said yes. 

 

the sight broke his heart. bambam’s eyes were closed, and he looked peaceful, but in reality, his neck was broken, so was his spine and several bones. his skin was paper white. he looked so unlike himself. the warm and happy person who yugyeom always thought he was.

 

afterwards, jackson took care of yugyeom. even though he was married, him and mark let yugyeom live with them. they both knew he needed them. 

 

that was until yugyeom decided to adopt a baby. he moved back into his apartment and took care of his daughter. 

 

he slowly started to heal after a few years. 

 

every week, he would go to bambam’s grave.

 

every week, he would put a flower on it.

 

every week, he would read his newest poem.

 

every week, he healed. 

 

every week, he thought back to his vows at their wedding. 

 

_ i will love you, _

_ and i will cherish you _

_ until fate decides to _

_ take one away _

_ from the two.  _

 

yugyeom never stopped being faithful to that. 

 

not even the day he collapsed and died of a heart attack. 

**Author's Note:**

> okay well PHEW.  
> before i start rambling, let me just say that if you want me to add any tags that might help inform people of triggers, then leave me a comment!! thank you <3
> 
> and now.  
> listen. you might hate me now but listen. 
> 
> this has been sitting in my google docs for a long while now. since december, to be precise.  
> i really hated myself for writing it, so i just left it. i actually just wrote it because i was really into yugbam at the time and i had this random idea. i gave birth to this about a day after i had the idea. i just couldn't stop writing, which is rare and so i used the opportunity. i was going through my docs on my google drive today and i saw this. i remembered that it was done and ready to be published.
> 
> so i read through it, corrected mistakes and here we are. 
> 
> i usually avoid the tag "major character death" and i hate it with everything in me. but to be fair, this was my first time writing anything like this. i'm all for angst with happy endings. oh well. we all need a bit of a change once in a while. 
> 
> also, i'm having a major writer's block, and i've been like this for months. i want to write so bad yet i don't have the patience for it. hopefully this should help me. also i don't like not posting for a long while. i can't keep on eating fanfics for all meals of the day. i need to give back something lol.
> 
> so i hope you enjoyed (as much as i did, which i didn't, but that's the point because i hate myself; jk i don't but sometimes i need a bit of pain).
> 
> i love you so so much!! know that if you're feeling down, this feeling will pass. don't give up, stay strong. 
> 
> please leave me a comment and kudos of if you liked it!! 
> 
> sorry for rambling, and thank you for reading. 
> 
> have a nice day!! <3 
> 
> (oh and also if you have a request about something you would want me to write as a one-chapter story, lmk. i need inspiration and i'll dedicate the work to you once i've done it. you can find my fandoms in my bio. mwah, i'm out)


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